


Falling Star

by anony_mouse



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Catholic Character, Depression, Gen, Illnesses, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, No Beta, Not A Fix-It, Self-Hatred, Self-Imposed Isolation, Sick Character, Steve Feels, Steve Needs a Hug, Steve Whump, Steve!whump, Suicidal Thoughts, Whump, it can go either way, not sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-11
Updated: 2016-04-11
Packaged: 2018-06-01 14:10:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6523330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anony_mouse/pseuds/anony_mouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky is back, but not everything is kittens and rainbows.</p>
<p>(A Bucky recovery fic that actually has very little Bucky in it.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Falling Star

Bucky comes back, and it's the happiest day of Steve's life since he left the ice.  
...

Much later, he will look back on the day after he comes back as one of the worst.  
...

He wants everyone to call him James, not Bucky.

He'll live in the room Stark made for him on Steve's floor, but on the condition that the adjoining door between them is always to remain locked and if Steve wants to talk he will knock on the front door like everyone else. He doesn't want Steve talking to him or seeking him out more than necessary.

Steve gives his acceptance, of course. His presence right now only serves to distract Bucky and confuse him. It's Bucky's- James's- choice to let his memories consolidate without undue interference and Steve is more than happy give him anything he wants.

Tasha corners Steve after.

"Is this going to be a problem, Rogers?" 

"Is what? The space? No. I'm more than happy to give Buc- James- whatever space he needs to heal until he decides that he's okay with seeing me again."

"That might be a long time, Steve." Her voice is uncharacteristically soft.

"Then I'll wait however long it takes. I got him back from the dead, everything else is cake to that, Tasha." She looks at him for a long moment before seeing whatever she was looking for and smiling softly.

"Wanna hit the mats? Bruce and Stark are going to take our newest houseguest to get checked out for any bugs he may have picked up, and Clint and Thor are heading down already." She doesn't say what kind of bugs. Steve thinks maybe both. 

"Sure, a workout sounds good," he watches her as he turns away and says the next bit, "maybe I'll even let you win this time." 

The look on her face is _priceless_. (And the bruises are totally worth it)  
...

Steve keeps his word, but he also keeps close track of James's progress.

Slowly but surely, James is connecting with himself and starting to interact with other people. 

The first person he connects with is Clint, to the surprise of no one, except maybe Clint himself.

Coulson is a notorious Cap fan, but Clint has no room to talk, because he is almost as bad about the Winter Soldier (except, you know, Hydra. But that wasn't his fault, so now Clint can fanboy without the guilt). He spends a week lurking on the edges of any room James is in until finally, James snaps and asks what his problem is. Clint blushes and stammers through an explanation, and the room holds it's collective breath as everyone waits for James's reaction.

Steve quietly pictures Bucky's reaction, so when the short bark of laughter rings in the room, the sense of deja-vu makes Steve's head spin. He excuses himself shortly after and hits the gym, running the new obstacle course mindlessly until he's nearly brained by a spinning, foam baseball bat.  
...

The second person James connects to is Tony, when the arm starts fritzing and they end up in the workshop for hours after it's repaired. Bucky always did love mechanics and technology. ( _"With Starks Gravitic reversion technology, you'll be able to do just that." "Holy cow."_ )

Steve makes sure to grab some HG Wells and Asimov and a few other sci-fi titles when he's out next and leaves them on the kitchen counter. They vanish, and Steve spends the rest of the day grinning like a loon when he spots James (re)reading _Time Machine_ a few days later.  
...

One really bad night, James wakes up from a nightmare, screaming in Russian. Steve rushes to his room, and finds the door locked. JARVIS unlocks the door when Tasha gets there and they enter the room to find Bucky curled in a corner, shivering and sobbing.

Steve hasn't taken two steps into the room when Bucky shoots up and pins him to a wall, knocking Tasha out of the way.

"What are you doing here?" His words weave between Russian and English, and it takes Steve's shocked brain a moment to process the sentence.

"Buck- James, it's me, Steve. Your safe. We're in Stark Tower and you're-" Bucky tightens his grip on Steve, cutting off his airway.

 "You left me!" Steve feels the bottom of his stomach drop out. "You left me there to die! Except I didn't, did I?" Bucky lowers his face so he can growl directly into Steve's ear (his left one. Bucky always spoke to Steve's right, because he knew that Stevie's left ear wouldn't catch as much. The Soldier knew Captain Rogers could hear in both just fine.)

"I didn't die.

" _I screamed._ "

Steve chokes, chest tight from more than lack of oxygen, just as someone- Tasha- pulls the enraged super soldier off of him, stabbing him in the neck with one of the sedative compounds SHIELD came up with for Steve.

Bucky struggles for another moment or two before the drugs kick in and he slumps in slow motion, obviously fighting the drug for every inch. Tasha keeps her grip for another minute before releasing him and standing to check on Steve. 

Steve is pressed against the wall, eyes locked on Bucky's prone form, his ears roaring (both of them). 

_I screamed._

_I screamed._

_I screamed._

The sound of Bucky's scream as Steve dislocated his shoulder echoes around his head to the backdrop of Bucky's words.

"Steve?" 

Steve snaps his head up to look at Tasha and meets her worried eyes once before flicking around the room and realizing just where he is.

"I'm okay. He didn't hurt me. I just-" the words choke up in his throat. How can he abandon Bucky like this again? But Buck- James. James asked that Steve not be in his room. And Steve can't be in here anymore. He's done enough harm, "I should go."

"Steve-!" He ignores her call and races out of the room, brushing past Clint and Thor, both armed with their respective weapons, in their pjs (purple pizza pants and the boxers Tony made Thor wear so he wasn't naked in moments like these). He doesn't hear their calls over Bucky's words, and only just makes it to his bathroom in time to empty his heaving stomach. 

Taking deep gulping breaths, ( _Breathe, Stevie, come on, you can do it. In and out._ ) he hugs the toilet and sobs for JARVIS to lock his rooms

He spends the night there on the bathroom floor.

_Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen._  
...

The next day, when Bu- James finally emerges, looking worn and exhausted, he hunts down Steve in the gym, running the obstacle course again. Steve ignores the handholds and just jumps off the rock wall.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"I came to apologize. For the-" he gestures at the barely-there bruises on Steve's neck. Steve's hand reaches up to brush the sweaty skin before he's given it any thought, and he pulls it away like a hot brand.

"B- James, you have nothing to apologize for, the bruise almost hea-"

"I didn't mean what I said. Last night." James scuffs awkwardly, and Steve feels the familiar dropping sensation in his gut, his face shuttering against emotion. "I- Hydra used to- when I was still- they said that you weren't going to come. That Roger's Squad had forgotten about me. I knew they were lying, but then they started telling me after their first few tries at wipes and I-"

Steve can taste last night's bile in the back of his throat again, but he says nothing, determined to hear Buck- James out. 

"Even when I stopped being able to remember who you were, they told me that I'd been left. I guess some of my programing was designed so that even if you showed up, you couldn't just walk out with me."

James shook his head as if to clear out the memories, "I just- I came to say I'm sorry. You should just forget about it- I don't really believe that you left me there." _On purpose_. He doesn't expressly say the last part, but Steve hears it anyways.

"No. James, I would _never-_ "

"I know." Buck- James cuts him off before he can stammer out the rest of his apologies, and before he can try again, James is turning away and leaving.

_Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen._  
...

Steve never really forgets, especially because it's something at Steve already believed himself.  
...

As he recovers, James spends more and more time out of the apartment, getting out (as far as his SHIELD-imposed house arrest will allow), exploring the tower like a kid in a candy shop.

It takes Natasha a while to warm up to him, but James is persistent, and it almost aches, watching the almost-familiar dance. Steve is pretty sure the Soldier never used flirting to get close to a mark and in any other circumstance, it would almost be funny, watching Bu- James wear down her defenses with witty jokes and thoughtful gifts and little grins. 

Steve watches the familiar antics work their magic and thinks back to old dance halls, double dates, and bright red lipstick.  
...

_I screamed._  
...

Bruce and James seem to have an understanding. They don't really talk. But they get along well enough, and they always know exactly what drink to bring when the other needs it.

The first time James drinks a mug of tea without checking it for anything suspicious, Bruce hands it to him and Steve thinks it should feel like more of a victory than it does.  
...

Thor gets along with everyone, and even Buc- _James_ isn't entirely immune to his contagious exuberance. When Thor claps him on the back, he doesn't even flinch like he does when St- everyone else touches him. Soon, he allows it to happen like it's no big deal.

The first time Steve sees it happen, the twin surges of relief and jealousy are nearly suffocating. He lets the conversation carry on around him for a bit longer, but as soon as he can he slips out of the room. Predictably, he finds himself in the gym, field-testing one of Stark's heavy duty punching bags.

Sometime later- he couldn't begin to tell when- Clint comes into the gym to collect him and ushers him to bed.  
...

Steve is trying. He is. He still goes out to people-watch with Clint, and after Clint mentions feeling uncomfortable reporting on a friend, he never brings up B-James again.

Steve and Natasha still grab drinks on occasion. They talk about little tidbits they remember from their childhood like pickle barrels and scrap metal drives or ballet shoes and the scent of Moscow in the winter, and traditions they've gleaned from other places, and other lives. They have an unspoken agreement that Steve won't ask about anything about progress and Natasha will tell him if anything horribly drastic happens that he needs to be informed of.

Steve and Tony still snark back and forth, but despite their newfound truce, there's really not too much in the way of an actual friendship there yet.

Thor is Thor. He helps Steve plan out battle tactics and trains with him to make some truly epic hammer-shield attacks that make Clint call out 'double combo' in a shoddy announcer's voice whenever he watches.

But Steve can't help the stinging lash of jealously that he feels whenever he sees Bu- _James_ , Goddammit! ( _Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners._ )

It's like third grade, in reverse. Then, Bucky's presence in Steve's life had made all the difference. Before, Steve had had 'friends' that he spoke with in school, but no one to rely on. Bucky had become the one person he could trust and talk to and lean on. Having someone that knew him and could pull him out of his own head sometimes made all of his other interactions seem less... artificial somehow.

Now, James's presence is like a thousand cuts across his skin. He still ignores Steve whenever he can, but he's beginning to interact just fine with everyone else. Their ability to talk to the one person Steve misses like a li- _misses like crazy_ \- feels like a festering sore that makes every interaction bitter and painful. 

Its gradual and subtle and Steve does his Goddamned ( _Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners._ ) best to hide it, but he feels himself start to withdraw into his own head.   
...

_I screamed._  
...

James is cleared to leave the tower with an escort. (Steve learns about it when Tony jokes about renting James a service girl) The first time James goes out with them to grab a bite to eat in celebration of his new freedom, Steve orders a single sandwich and shake and sits as far away from Bu-Ja- _everyone_ as possible. While the others joke and laugh, he puts on his best War Bonds Face and finally admits to himself that he's angry at them. It's unfair and stupid and makes Steve feel like a petulant grade-schooler, but it's true.

It's easier to hide it once he's accepted it. Later, Natasha tells him that she's glad he's sorted out whatever's been bothering him, and that it's nice to see him smiling again. He gives her a calculatedly small smile and tells her it's nice to be smiling again.

He has to cut back on punching bag usage to keep suspicion down, so he can't even take out his frustration in that. Same for running or sparring or anything else obvious. He still works out once a day, but he's careful to keep it controlled and reasonably timed.  
...

Sam visits from DC and it is both easier and harder to hide from him. On one hand, he works at the VA and is pretty good at knowing when someone is holding back, plus he traveled with Steve for the months they were searching for James. On the other hand, outside of the one run, he never really met pre-Hydra Steve, so as far as he knows, this is pretty normal for the super soldier.

He gives Steve a side eye when he leaves the room shortly after James enters and Steve tells him later about B-James' request and that seeing him without being able to talk to him is a bit more than Steve is willing to handle right now.

Sam is sympathetic and encourages Steve's support- things that would probably have more impact if Steve was telling the whole truth. It helps a little that Sam tries, but most of that progress is lost when Buc-James awkwardly greets and apologizes to Sam and is talking almost naturally with him by the end of the first day.

Steve excuses himself, telling the others that he has a sketch he's dying to finish. It's the same sketch he's been working on for the last two weeks, and he realized the night before that he probably never would end up finishing this one. The stylized image of Bucky (not James, but _Bucky_ , back before everything) laughing at Steve after he managed to put his foot in his mouth around a dame (again) was more than he could handle now. Maybe it always would be.

The minute he's alone, he carefully arranges the sketchbook to look recently used, and then goes back to his bed and curls up under the covers until the darkness sweeps across his thoughts and pulls him under. 

He's honestly not sure if it's a good thing or not that he's gotten better at obfuscating with half-truths or not.  
...

He takes to sketching when he feels the telltale itching feeling beneath his skin. He misses the pure rush and endorphin release of sparring.

Too late, he realizes his mistake when he finds that he is physically incapable of drawing anything without the tight pull of anger-frustration-guilt-envy beneath his skin. He begins to hate his sketchbook and tools with a nearly violent passion. He starts storing them at the bottom of his dresser and refuses to look at old sketches. He leaves one out with a couple of pencils, but never does more than move it about the room anytime he thinks Natasha or Clint may have been on his floor. 

He never did finish that sketch, and it's not like he's sketching anything of interest to him anymore anyways.  
...

A little over five months after That Night, Steve finally admits that he's avoiding Bu- JamesJames _James **JamesJAMES**_ \- for reasons that are not His request.  
...

In the beginning, when He would snarl at someone, Steve would back off, but not flinch. He was secure in the knowledge (the belief) that any version of James Buchanan Barnes not controlled by Hydra wouldn't willingly hurt him.

Now, even a glare from Him makes something in Steve shrivel up.

The day He snaps (yelling at Thor, nothing too serious) and Steve- in the corner, curled up tightly ( _away from everyone_ ) reading a book- flinches, Steve flees the room at his earliest possible opportunity and rips his pillow into shreds of cloth and feathers.  
...

He hides the pillow and quietly replaces it himself later. (JARVIS's silence seems disapproving, but he says nothing.)  
...

As often as he's thought about it recently, he never writes a note.

For one, a note makes it real. Makes it tangible and so very, very possible.

For another, he is Captain America. Any claim to his life was surrendered when he followed Erskine into that lab, and any claim to his death only belongs to him if it happens when he's doing something heroic. A note would negate that. Whatever Steve Rogers wants to do, Captain America is a force all its own, one that supersedes the wishes of whoever bears its shield.

And Captain America could not commit s- kill hi- _die_ anywhere but the battlefield.

So. No note.   
...

He does quietly update his Will though.  
...

The gas explosion in SHIELD labs isn't anything too dangerous, but the three people caught in the blast all come down with violent fevers. Steve shoves scientists out of the way as fast as he can, more worried about the possibly toxic gas than bruises at the moment. 

He holds his breath as long as he can, but when the young man rams blindly into Steve's gut as he flees the room, he can't help a tiny gasp of shock at the sudden and unexpected blow.

He's bedridden for just over a week.

He manages (through a miracle and JARVIS' help) to keep to himself for the greater part of his illness. He doesn't mention the smothering hurt that threatens to overwhelm him when Bucky says and does nothing, keeping as much distance as ever.

Decades of muscle memory override the last few years, and Steve's fever-muddled mind convinces him time and again that he's smaller, thinner, weaker. He's never been sick like this, in this body, and he finds himself jarred every time he sees his hands, or a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He feels like he should be a foot smaller, and he wakes up disoriented and slurring Brooklyn more than once. 

JARVIS promises not to mention Steve's night terrors or his delirious fever-ramblings. Steve doesn't need the AI to tell him what he dreams in his sleep.

_I screamed._

_Bucky, no!_

_You. Are. My. Mission!_

_I screamed._

_I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. Please-_

He doesn't know what he's begging for because it's certainly not forgiveness. 

Thank the Lord for JARVIS, who manages to keep the other Avengers out without raising enough suspicion for them to break into Steve's rooms. It's not like they would know how to treat a sickly Steve anyways. ( _Shh. I know you're hot, Stevie. But you've gotta sweat it out. C'mon. Becca will never forgive me if you missed her birthday cuz of this. After you kick this, we can go grab those rolls you like that old man Drew sells. The good ones too, not the day olds. Just gotta get through this-_ )

_I screamed._

The fever breaks and Steve lets himself spend a whole extra day in bed, simply unable to muster the energy to face the day. 

No one mentions that the bags under Steve's eyes never really fade after. Or maybe they just never notice.

After all, no one expects Captain America to get tired. Not even the mighty Avengers are exempt from expectation.  
...

Steve looks into the fray and _knows_ , with the bone deep knowing of soldiers everywhere, that this is one fight he can't fight alone.

One fight he can't survive alone, anyways.

He hefts his shield, steels his nerves, quietly clicks off his comm unit, and races towards the battlefield.

_Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now, at the hour of our death. Amen._

**Author's Note:**

> EDIT: For those of you looking for a sequel, I'm very sorry. I really really tried, but nothing I've come up with has had any emotional oomph. I'll keep trying, but until further notice, don't hold your breath on a sequel here.
> 
> I mostly wrote this because, as nice as a Bucky recovery fics are, I need more Steve POV angst in my life and have only found a few stories with it. Or just more Steve!whump in general.  
> Also, Steve is catholic because I wanted to use that prayer. Canonically, I believe he's Protestant (I'm not looking right now), but for purposes of drama this is what we're going with. Aside from that and the magically appearing Bucky, I tried to stay true to canon.  
> Also, going with the 'Bucky has three sisters' thing. I'm unsure if this is fanon, canon, or comics canon. But I'm using that too, so 'Becca' is Rebecca Barnes, eldest of his younger sisters.  
> Working on a new writing style, lemme know.
> 
> Also, I usually prefer gen works and it's a shame there aren't more, but here's a couple more Steve Angst fics I enjoy if you're looking for that (will add more as I find them):  
> [Gen](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3647577)  
> [Gen 2](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2530703)  
> [Stucky 1](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3540179)  
> [Stucky 2](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5595253)  
> [Stucky 3](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3469952/chapters/7616498)


End file.
